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Winifred222222
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Name: dai san
Gender: Female
Interests: Mastering shamanism, the practice of witchcraft and the art of the pilgrimmage
Expertise: being a witch, a writer, a momma to two little girls elves, a shaman, a warrior, a wanderer, and guide, a mate to Talesin, and failure, inability to complete things, to let things go and die, to hang on no matter what. sometimes this helps, sometimes it hinders, but im definitely an expert at it. Throwing oneself far into a adventure that im never fully ready to embrace.Being a perfectionist too.
Occupation: wife, and momma for life- witc
Industry: graphic design
Website: visit my website
AIM:  winifred22222222
MSN: winifred22222222
Member Since:
10/21/2005
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| takign a brief hiatus, being momma. will get creative again asap :) take care!
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| people can easily blow off all of the freudian stuff but until you live with yer in laws, and see it reflected in youre husbands grizzeld beard, well i wouldnt believe it either. i am a scorpio, and have been under a lot of stress, since being relagated to a miniscule trailer with limited hot water, and a audience of scorpio in laws everyday. im not a person to stereotype people, but they dig nascar, drink beer, and are christian. thats all well and good, but my hausband picked a bit of a free spirited artsy girl, that is an only child and reads for joy. well wehn i get time between the kids. but i have rejected the white picket fence mold that he had been put into. and when we met, he appreciated my randomness adn addiction to adventure, and going to the lake and my beign pagan. my dad nadn mom were never pushy, but my mother has been pushed around plenty in her life due to her cheerful, upbeat nature. she has remained respectful of everyones rules, but did her own thing. i respect her a lot for it.
getting off track, my grandfather in laws mean and bully type behavior was a definite wakeup call for me to implement a change on how i treat my husband, and sinces hes been home from minor surgery ive really been trying to be actively nice to him. his dad is pretty brsuque to his wife in public, and now it seems that the mean role that ive been trying so hard to shed, is now exuding from his nature. the last three days have been rough, and i expressed that if he takes in the mean scorpio role then this isnt a good relationship. ive seen his parents, and im not a willing participant in his freudian role models.
oh, when i married my husband, he was an athlete/ computer guy. a great blend of intellect adn physical whatever is good about athletes.. i dont really know. i just know his mom sometimes uninetentionally reminds me of the mean dumb jock kids from middle school, and today my husband joined in her commentary, with the taunting grin about how i should play dodgeball withthe kids, or how hopscotch is played on my three year old jigsaw puzzle chalk drawings. its funny because when kids talk about how jocks torture them, even with mean sarcestic insults we dont forget that. it makes me wonder who on earth did i marry? unintentional insesnitivity to my lack of athleticism makes me not want to do anything athletic with my kdis in front of the commentary peanut gallery snickerign at me. i dont hold my husband responsible for when his mom is that way but i dont liek how he just goes along with it. why on earth did he marry me if he was just going to hope to squelsh all of the me ness right out of me. knowing that i cannot compete, even as i cant swim i go inthe pool with my husbands taunting grin when he throws the floating balls around and at me. i get super angry when people do this cause they think its really funny, but i think its mean. it makes me question why i didnt see this when we were dating.
i truely feel liek im in the abyss, a little trialer and his parents excuse this side of him. who knew how living among his parents would ultimately destroy the hopes or even picture i had of my husband. i dunno if thinks are going to get better once hes among military people, if he continutes or becomes theman i knew again. this place reminds me of middel schoolers trying to be older and more deep tjhan they are. im deeply worried.
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| its a funny thing about labels and people dont want you to change. seems liek when you finally grow up and transform into something the smae old people just dont liek you anymore. this happened once i came out inthe pagan community as liking sarah palin. my former friend left me at the friendhsip pound. this rant isnt about my political beliefs though, just how people label you, then i just happen to not fit what they liek. people must just think im stupid with an easygoing nature and they can just persuade me magically to the "right " way of thinking. what ever happened to all these people doing a thing called self exploration and discovery? my friends papa, a vietnam vet pointed out that i wasnt informed ont he "right" books and whatnot. he was a preacher that had lost his faith and his new preachign was one of atheism and depression. he reminds me of mel gibsons character in the movie signs, only hasnt regained his faith in humanity or whatnot. i hope hes happy though :)
so i dont really fit naywhere, not with my old liberal friends, or my new conservative in laws. i really dont knwo what im supposed to do, except ive been reading my old totem coyote, and i think he must be my only friend left. i feel abandoned by everything that was comfortimg, liek really hot showers, and am surrounded by crows or ravens and bees each day. my husband has surgery on wednesday and hes going to be operated on for the third time. though its minor surgery, it brings back strong memories of my dad dying in the hospital. i am ultiamtely terrified that hes going to die once he finally gets into the army. it seems liek im drowning in financial woes, and the ghost of my dead grandma is down in forida it seems. i didnt call her for her birthday, and she died soon afterwards. i couldnt bear to see it, as a teenager long ago, and now i feel awful for haivng just cut myself off from her too.
i wished so badly to have my husbands family to have me be a part of the family and liek me, but they dont. i am akward, and an outsider here too, despite my baking cookies. i stood up for myself, well for my daughter adn got into a yellign match that bore me into isolation. seems liek all of these unprinted rules are hard to bear. i dotn liek it here, i feel liek weve lost any sense of independence and pride. we live wiht my in laws and its pathetic. i used to snub those living with theier parents, but now im one of them.
i havent had any positive pathworkigns since moving down here. one of a demon called belial, thats part of saitans army, shudder. and a swamp man who triend to fill my lungs with mud, and then growled something liek until you learnt his youll never leave. i can only see him formthe nose up, and he swims around in muddy swamp. i think hes a jaguar priest or alligator thing. when i fist came down here i wanted to learn swamp magic but it doesnt feel right. kinda creeped out. i guess the cockroach is a totem animal of survival, but i dotn let them live in ehre if i can help it.
there is no optimistic spin to put out here, cept i hope to find my path whiel living here. definitely feel lost.
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| i have lost my way.
close youre eyes shut with superglue they did. the pockmarked scars of battle are braile beneath my fingers, a skin wall, cavernous liek the grand canyon. i sit with icy mittens and think of you, kicking rocks and building rock bridges to nowhere.
somebody unhinged me.
the ice swirls my eyes in criss crossing peppermint stinging. i pull my hat tighter, and wait.
if, if if, burning thru my brain.
taking off the mittens,
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| i will never understand the hard shells of scorpios, but i have cannibalistic tendecies devorign all of the crawdads, in the store, ladybug blood is on my hands.i will never own a scorpio shell, not even my own. skin myself, and sell it at the fela market, trashcan blood and bits of hair. bits of me shed all over the eearth, and scropios sigh in digust. i looks up to the scorpio shadows, and shake my head, in the dusty lint of crinkled apges and folds of flesh, people are hard to see the outlines of, bumper car peoples. old women toothless and driving nascar, i wait outside knowingthat youre never comeing with except in ghost wind form, not even pixelated will we drive across country thelma and lousie style. there is no love inthe oatmeal of a cloudy swamp mornign. i saw a tatooed alligator foot and run, my brothers face calling me back to practicing witchcraft, i have shelved on the splintered computer screen. Lizards imprint my skull, and i taste the rotted crawfish in my moutha dn voodoo cajun spiced souls, papa legba am i really here? leave it to beaver, nineteen fifties slavery because of my vagina that birthed two pixies. bitched fromthe stinging, i have hadenough of stings, of venom, of shadows. i have had enough of wood piles and hangingmy head low, throwing food scraps to squirrels, intothe jungle i want ot be a panther and run wild, free, even if my neighborhs hunt me, shot or torn by their rotsweiller pups, to pieces. pieces. greece, live on island tendencies and nothing but the abyssal of blue water. sail on a twig. fallen agels, nice fairy twales, misprinted old gods, rename me rename the old gods and repackage us again and again. were never going to be enough, the way we are. never, never, never. | | |
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